Truths at Camp
by Jennifer Kinneas
Summary: Irvine-ness. Saifuu-ness. Retard-ness. Suggestiveness, language and unconventional pairings.


Disclaimer: The characters in this story are property of Squaresoft. I make no money from this fanfiction and do not intend to infringe copyright laws in any way.

A/N: I like Irvine. I like guys. I just like making fun of them.

The wind blew steadily through Irvine's chestnut hair. Eyeing Quistis, he noted that she definitely wasn't a night person. Sleep was the only time that she had a break from her workaholic day, and she wasn't exactly functioning without it.

The blonde babe was leaning over, hands in her face. It was a hot night and she had worn lacy bedtime attire, and much to Irvine's delight some of the laces had come undone around her bosom, generously showing off her cleavage. It's not like Selphie didn't have plenty of that, but it was nice for some variety. 

So many times before had Selphie scolded him for checking out other women, but she was having too much fun to notice. Besides, as he had to casually responded before- why should he be able to look at the menu, as long as he didn't sample the food?

"Truth or dare?" Zell had to break this up. He had noticed Irvine eyeing Quistis for a long time. He already had Selphie, and there was no way he was getting both. 

Irvine grimaced at the look in Zell's eye. He was like a gremlin, stealthily hounding his every move and still managing to maintain his hyperactive ways. Maybe he did have a right to be mad at him. The camping trip they were on had been his idea, his and Selphie's anyway. 

Oh, Selphie... The hypoglycemic, hyperactive little devil planned everything with him. He had thought at first that this trip would be fun, and realized later that a camping trip planned by someone on a strict diet of sugar, caffeine, and suntan lotion, could not be all that fun. What a great little bundle of ideas Selphie was... Oh Irvine! Let's paint Squall pink while he's sleeping and watch him get high on the paint! Let's go on a camping trip with our groupie, our worst enemies, and a library girl! And the recent oh so brilliant... Let's play truth or dare!

Irvine loved Selphie, but one day after he finally stole her virginity; he was going to murder her. Tired, hot, sexually frustrated... tired... so tired. Even Zell had settled down.

Our dear friend Zell had still managed to keep most of a man's sorry excuse for common sense. As in he had managed to sentence Rinoa to going without clothes for the rest of the Campout. In fact, Zell was on a streak for rather awful dares, so Irvine quickly decided against keeping the streak up. It's not like Zell could do much to hurt Irvine, but like I said. He was on a role.

"Truth…" It was so obvious, what could Zell do to Irvine? Ask him if he returned his love? With a 'I don't swing that way, little buddy' and a charismatic laugh Zell would be off to commit suicide. At least that was what Irvine thought. 

But Zell couldn't stop his streak! He had to promote embarrassment in the campsite! He had a way… The little clues he had received, as he had become closer to Irvine, made him know exactly where to ask.

"Irvine, are you a girl?" You see it coming, don't you? 

"Zell!" Quistis scolded, but Zell waited expectantly.

… … … … … … … … … …

"It's true! It's true!" Irvine squealed. She turned to Selphie. "Oh, Sef. I was going to tell you, but then… things started happening between us. Even if you are a girl, I couldn't break your heart…"

Selphie smiled and everyone covered their eyes, as not to be blinded by her teeth. "That's okay, Irvy!"

"Irma…" Irma lowered her head in shame.

"Irma! Cute!" Selphie smiled again. Seifer was late this time and was temporarily blinded, ending up over a log on the ground.

Irvine smiled back, "God! That vest squashed my boobs!" Said boobs were revealed to be hum "I was getting tired of the toilet paper in my pants anyway… It itches really bad." Yanking the toilet paper out of her pants, she tossed it across the campfire, and was surprised when everyone jumped back with their low energy. "Whaaaat?"

...

"Can we see?" Zell said softly. He wasn't expecting Irma to comply. "I was kidding!"

Irvine grinned, as everyone looked back slowly, except for Seifer, because he still couldn't see.

"PURPLE BIKINI! I had to hide my face while I was tanning so my face isn't colored."

"Heh… I should of known there was a reason for the paper bag…" Seifer said slowly with a gulp, then spit. Seifer was obviously a very desperate little beachcomber.

"SHOCK." Fujin's eye twitched.

Selphie jumped up to hug Irvine. "Oh Irvy…" She paused. "That's oddly disgusting… And Seifer… That's oddly desperate." Selphie leaned over and put her finger on her chin. "Oh yeah, I'm a man! I mean it… see?"

"Ahhhhhh!"

"Ahhhhhh!"

"Ahhhhhh!"

And then some.

"Well, this works out well!" Laughed Selphie, "You can call me Steve now."

"That's pretty weird considering that I'm a guy too!" The library guy laughed, as if it wasn't absolutely bizarre.

"Um…" Zell spoke softly. "But you said… when we were drunk… we, er…"

"That's not true," said the library guy, much to Zell's relief. "Only you were drunk."

"B-but…"

"Yer so silly! Guys can do that too!" Then Zell fainted. "But he likes Seifer!" cried the library guy, running into the bush, much to the delight of hungry squirrels. "Help! I'm being eaten!"

"…I thought nobody was going to die in this story," Seifer mumbled. Several people shrugged.

Then Rinoa jumped up. "I'm a man everybody!"

Then Squall jumped up. "Guys, everybody's telling the truth, and I just have to tell you… 

…

I'm a man too."

"FINALLY!" 

"Woo-hoo!"

"You've finally passed puberty? I'm so happy for you!"

"Congrats, ya know?"

"HESITANCE." Fujin yelled and Seifer rolled his eyes.

"That is a damn awful excuse for 'Um…'" he told her, and Fujin cowered at the scolding of her master, but had to say what she was going to say.

"RINOA- MALE. SQUALL- MALE. COUPLE- GRODY." She pointed to the 'No yaoi' sign the author placed in the stars. "NOT PERMITTED." 

"Well Rinoa," Squall paused and placed his hand over his face, head tilted back like someone in a soap opera. "I… was annoyed by your voice anyway."

"Oh, I don't need you wussy-boy!" Rinoa cried as she flung herself at Angelo, receiving a bite. "Seifer!"

"Sorry." Seifer scratched his head and looked over at Fujin. He didn't want this to be the last trip of his life.

However, if was too late for Rinoa. As if Rinoa didn't annoy Fujin enough, she had to use her man's name. Abruptly, she shoved Rinoa into the fire, receiving a high five from Angelo.

"BURN, BITCH!" Fujin screamed as she jumped around the fire.

Squall moved to put Rinoa out, because he was so accustomed to saving her, but then he got an image of what Fujin would do to him if he tried and shuddered.

"Sorceress, burn kind of slow, ya know?" Angelo shoved Rinoa into the heart of the fire. "Oh, better. Another bright side, Fujin's never been this lively, ya know."

"UPSHOW NOW- IMPOSSIBLE! HA HA." My little loud lass yelled before she simmered down and looked around with a look of rebellion, chest heaving slightly. "APOLOGETIC." She blushed and sat down, staring down into Rinoa's ashes

"I thought nobody was gonna die, ya know?" Raijin pouted. "Who writes these crap stories?" That was when I used my author powers to turn him into a girl. "Yikes! I'm sorry!"

__

I HAVE THE POWER AND LANA'S DRAWING PICTURES FOR THIS. BE ESPECIALLY NICE TO HER OR SHE'LL DRAW YOU WITH A BIG BUTT.

Rinoa's ghost shows up. "Like it matters!"

"You already have a big butt," Squall said before he thought to stop, but Rinoa was already leaving because steam was blowing out of Fujin's ears.

Then I made Raijin a guy, then a girl, then a guy, then a girl.

__

Tee-hee!

"That tickles, ya know?"

Guy, girl, guy, girl, guy. This is getting old…

__

I know! I'll kill Quistis!

Seifer looked up, shocked. "Oh please don't."

__

Oh fine, but only because I think you have a nice ass.

"Oh Seify, that's so nice." Quistis screamed as she began to smooch him. O/.O

"I'm so glad you're still a girl!"

"That's so sweet!"

[Score!]

Fujin was already angry because Irma had gotten a piece of Seifer, now Quistis was too! Her mind began to run through the options.

__

Shuriken + skills + high HP = WORLD DOMINATION!  
World domination = ruler of all  
Ruler of all = control of Seifer  
Control of Seifer = Boinkity boink. 

But where would she begin? Quistis was a threat. Kill! Kill! Kill!

__

Duh nuh nuh nuh.

"Nice sound affects, ya know. Specially typed by a, ya know, beautiful, smart, grade-A, perfect girl like you, ya know."

__

Hee hee.

Raijin's muscles swell up, and so does his wallet.

SLICE!

__

Fujin! I promised Seifer I wouldn't kill Quisty!

"YOU- DIDN'T. ME- KILL." Her eyes glowed red.

__

Yes, but I'm responsible for you, so sorry Fuu-sama.

Quistis' head appears back on her shoulders, unfortunately for Fujin, fortunately for Seifer (it always works that way). "Well, where were we Seifer… hon?" But as Quistis was dragging Seifer off to the tent, a Trepie ran out of the woods, sporting his 'I love Quistis Trepe' T-shirt. 

"Oh my god! I didn't know Trepies could be so hot!" With that she dropped Seifer and took the Trepie to the tent instead.

"Dammit. Can't I win for once? I just want a prize. I want something good in my life!"

Meanwhile Fujin's brain was working at one million miles per hour.

__

Seifer = hurt  
Hurt = vulnerable  
Vulnerable = Boinkity boink. 

"H-h-horrrrrniness…" Fujin mumbled, forcing the word out. She went down into attack position.

"What?" Seifer looked up from his position on all fours. Looking into Fujin's eyes he knew to run.

__

Seifer running = challenge  
Challenge = more horniness 

Speed = catch  
Catch = Boinkity boink. 

"MUA HA! MUA HA! MUA HA!"

A/N: Yeah, I'm retarded.


End file.
